The Department of Agriculture, Food and the Marine (DAFM) has proudly unveiled its new agri-environment scheme which it calls the “Really Innovative Pilot Scheme” (RIPS).
This scheme – which we have been assured is absolutely NOT a carbon copy of the old Rural Environmental Protection Scheme (REPS) with modified actions – will bring about some “innovative” and “new” ideas to Irish farmers.
Speaking to AgriLand today (Thursday, APRIL 1), a department source said: “The old REPS scheme offered an average payment of just under €5,000 for various results-based actions.
This new RIPS scheme will offer an average payment of just under €5,000 for results-based actions – but in a trendy new manner with some funky new options.
Responding to accusations from farm groups that “RIPS is just a rip-off of REPS”, the source protested: “Absolutely not, the department has put a great deal of time and money into engagement and drawing up a completely original new scheme.”
New options
The “funky new options” under the scheme include: putting snorkels and flippers on cows to help deal with increased flooding in the midlands; posting a picture of your lovely green fields on Instagram to make urban residents jealous; and meekly putting up with admonishments and tweets about “farmers harming the planet” on social media from vegan “do-gooders” driving Range Rovers.
Meanwhile, penned in to run alongside this innovative pilot, the department is pushing ahead with a mysterious new suckler beef promotion scheme known only as “SUCKERS”.
In other news, pork exports to China have been suspended after a pig died of old age.
Finally, government sources have confidently espoused the view that carbon neutral flying cars will be available “long before” rural broadband is finally complete.
Watch this space…